FAMILY: A SPIRITUAL GUIDE
by: Rabbi Michael
Gold
Rabbi Irving Lehrman tells a wonderful story from his own
childhood. A little boy walks into an office building and sees a
clock too high on the wall for anyone to reach. To adjust the time,
workmen must climb a tall ladder. The boy asks his father, "why is
the clock set so high, where nobody can reach it?" "It's simple,"
answers the father. "The clock used to be lower, within reach of
everybody. People would pass by, look at their watch, and adjust the
clock to match their watch. When they moved the clock higher, people
would look at it and adjust their watches accordingly." |
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The boy asks his father, "why is the clock set so
high, where nobody can reach it?" "It's simple," answers the father.
"The clock used to be lower, within reach of everybody. People would
pass by, look at their watch, and adjust the clock to match their
watch. When they moved the clock higher, people would look at it and
adjust their watches accordingly." |
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The meaning of the metaphor is clear. We need an
ideal, a vision, a clock high on the wall that we can refer to.
Certainly not every individual nor every family will live their
lives according to that ideal. But without some recognized standard,
everybody will simply do "what is right in their own eyes." (Judges
21:25.) |
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Family is a spiritual entity. The meaning of family
goes beyond the biological and material to touch the spiritual
dimension of life. This paper will view family as a spiritual ideal.
This ideal includes a man and a woman committed to one another
through the covenant of marriage, raising the children they sire or
adopt, honoring their parents, being the keepers of their brothers
and sisters, and expressing their love through their devotion and
service to one another. It is an ideal that grew out of the Bible,
and is central to the vision of family articulated by those
religious traditions based on the Bible: Judaism, Christianity, and
Islam. |
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One of the key messages of the creation story in
Genesis is that we human beings are qualitatively different from
animals. We are created in the image of God, with the ability to
make moral choices. We are commanded to be holy (Leviticus 19:2),
holiness being those actions which help raise us above animal
behavior and towards the Godliness within us. |
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Let us begin our exploration by comparing the animal
world and the human world. In the realm of family life, we clearly
see the difference between animals and humans. We may use the same
words - mother, father, sister, brother, son, daughter - but they
take on an entirely different meaning in the animal kingdom and the
world of humans. |
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Animals have parents. They received half of their
genetic material from a male who served as sperm donor, and half
from a female who gave the egg. An animal grew inside its mother,
and if it is a mammal, it nursed at her nipple. Within the animal
kingdom, after a relatively brief period of time, the parents are
finished with their tasks. Humans also have a birth mother and
father. But that is a biological fact, which has little to do with
parenting. After we are born and after we are weaned, our parents'
tasks are just beginning. |
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Animals have siblings. They may share genetic
material, or even grow in the same womb with other animals. But the
relationship stops there. No animal would ever ask the question, "Am
I my brother's keeper?" |
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Animals procreate children. Male animals join
sexually with female animals to create a new generation. For animals
this is totally a biological act, with no larger moral or spiritual
purpose. In fact, most animals have sexual encounters only when in
heat, when there is a probability of procreation. A male leaves his
sperm in a female and moves on to other conquests. |
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In the animal kingdom following birth and a short
period of nursing and nurturing, children are set loose to survive
on their own. There is no expectation of any ongoing relationship
between the biological parents and their offspring. In the real
world, it is unlikely that adult animals even recognize their
progenitors. |
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Perhaps the best way to demonstrate the difference
between animals and humans is to speak of two metaphors, the cycle
and the chain. Animals live in the world of the cycle. The human
quest is to break out of the cycle, to see life as a chain. |
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To demonstrate the world of the cycle, let us look at
the beautiful Disney movie The Lion King. The movie begins with
Elton John singing the theme song of his movie The Circle of Life. A
baby lion is born and held high for all the animals to see. The song
tells of a great cycle, with events repeated over and over as each
new generation comes. At the end of the movie, a new generation of
lions is born, and the same scene is repeated once again. |
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To the animal world, life is a cycle. Each generation
repeats what was done before. The life of a lion or a kangaroo or a
parakeet is almost precisely the same as the life of these animals
one generation ago. If we went back ten thousand generations and
looked at the way a lion lives, it would be more or less the same as
today. It was the power of this cycle that Disney caught so
beautifully in the movie. Birth, weaning, adulthood, procreation,
death, the cycle continues unchanging from generation to
generation. |
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There is a book in the Bible which also speaks of life
as an endless, unchanging circle. The book of Ecclesiastes,
traditionally attributed to King Solomon and perhaps the most
cynical book in the entire Bible, laments the vanity and
meaninglessness of life. |
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"Vanity of vanities, all is vanity. What real value
is there for man in all the gains he makes beneath the sun? One
generation goes, another comes, but the earth remains the same
forever... All streams flow into the sea, Yet the sea is never full;
To the place from which they flow the streams flow back again...Only
that shall happen which has happened, Only that occur which has
occurred; There is nothing new beneath the sun." (Ecclesiastes
1:2-9) |
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One senses Solomon's depression and futility. Is life
but an endless cycle, with nothing new to show for it? Are we forced
to relive the fate of our parents and grandparents over and over? If
we are mere animals, forced to relive the same thing over and over,
how can there be any ultimate purpose to life? The cycle as a
metaphor may work for animals, but not for human beings. |
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Thomas Cahill, in his bestselling book The Gifts of
the Jews; How a Tribe of Desert Nomads Changed the Way Everyone
Thinks and Feels, wrote that the ancient Israelites gave the world a
new metaphor. To quote Cahill "All evidence points to there having
been, in the earliest religious thought, a vision of the cosmos that
was profoundly cyclical. ... The Jews were the first people to break
out of this circle, to find a new way of thinking and experiencing,
a new way of understanding and feeling the world." |
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The ancient pagan world, like the animal world, saw
life as an endless repetitive cycle. The gift of the Bible was the
vision that we humans can rise above that cycle, that we are more
than mere animals. |
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The Bible introduces a new metaphor, one with a beginning and an
end. It is best represented by a chain, with each generation a new
link. That is why the Bible is so concerned with who begat whom.
Each generation builds and adds to the previous link. Previous
generations contain a repository of wisdom and knowledge on which a
new generation can build. Each new generation stands on the
shoulders of their parents and grandparents. Each new generation
sees itself as closer to the perfect Messianic age still to come.
Humans experience a link between generations, an appreciation of the
past and a vision of the future, which animals can never know.
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To be part of a chain, part of some greater purpose,
gives human life its spiritual quality. It is family that creates
that chain. Let us explore the family as a spiritual entity. To do
so, we must travel back to the dawn of creation, to that mystical
place called the Garden of Eden. |
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Family life began when God created man, placed him in
the garden, and declared "it is not good for man to be alone. I will
make him a fitting helper." (Genesis 2:18) God brought each animal
to the man, but none was an appropriate helper nor a proper fit. The
word family does not apply to the animal kingdom. Only then did God
cause a deep sleep to fall on the man and remove his rib. (Jewish
mystics would say that the primordial man was originally
androgynous, both male and female, and God split him/her in half)
God created the woman from the rib and declared one of the most
important verses in the Torah, "Therefore a man shall leave his
mother and father and cleave onto his wife and they shall be one
flesh." (Genesis 2:24) No other male in the entire animal kingdom is
given that responsibility. |
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We should note that the Torah does not say "a man
should leave his mother and father for a series of sexual conquests
and one night stands." Sexual discipline stands at the center of the
Torah's vision of family life. A human male is not to scatter his
seed wherever he wishes, although it would be in his genetic
self-interest to do so. Nor does the Torah say "a man shall leave
his mother and father and cleave to his wives." Polygamy may have
been permitted in Biblical times, but it is scarcely the ideal. In
fact, one can argue that the Biblical stories of Abraham, Sarah, and
Hagar, or Jacob, Rachel, and Leah, are polemics against polygamy. It
is noteworthy that all of the great Biblical religions have long
outlawed polygamy. Nor does the Torah countenance serial monogamy,
one wife after another. The book of Deuteronomy, recognizing the
reality of human weakness, does permit divorce. (see Deuteronomy
24:1-4) But it is considered a sad, last resort, far from the ideal.
In fact, the Prophet Malachi wrote, "You cover the alter of God with
tears, weeping and moaning ... Because the Lord is witness between
you and the wife of your youth with whom you have broken faith,
though she is your partner and covenanted spouse." (Malachi 2:13-14)
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Based on this verse, the rabbis taught that when a
man divorces the wife of his youth, even the alter of God cries
tears. (Gittin 90b) Lifelong marriage between one man and one woman
is the ideal articulated by the Garden of Eden story. Jewish
tradition uses the term kiddushin, literally holiness, to describe
such a marriage. It is marriage, the commitment of a man and a woman
to a lifelong exclusive sexual relationship that helps us rise above
the animal kingdom. |
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All of the legal traditions that grew out of the
Bible - Jewish halakhah, Church canon law, Moslem Shari'ah - are
concerned with the legal niceties of marriage: Who may marry whom?
How is a marriage effected? What are the legal obligations of
spouses towards one another? May a marriage be dissolved? All agree
that marriage is more than a mere legal contract. The Bible often
compares the relationship of husband and wife to the relationship
between God and Israel. Perhaps the best word is brit - covenant.
The word covenant implies something eternal and unbroken. In fact,
in Mormon theology the highest degree of salvation comes through
eternal marriage or sealing, a dispensation that carried the marital
state beyond this lifetime. |
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According to the Biblical ideal, marriage has two
purposes. The first is companionship, for "it is not good for man to
be alone." (Genesis 2:18) The second is in order to fulfill God's
commandment to "Be fruitful and multiply." (Genesis 1:28) |
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Judaism understands the commandment of procreation as
applying to men, although obviously a man needs a woman partner to
fulfill his obligation. There is much speculation in Jewish sources
why this commandment was given to men only. Perhaps women do not
need an explicit commandment; they have a natural, maternal urge.
Men on the other hand are too often happy to avoid the obligations
of fatherhood, particularly when children demand a huge financial
commitment. This is one reason that abortion is often a boon to men,
who are happy to tell the woman to "take care of the problem." |
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Jewish law teaches that minimally, a man must have
one boy and one girl to fulfill the commandment of procreation.
However, the Talmud continues that these children must be capable of
having their own children. In other words, in order to completely
fulfill the commandment, a man must have grandchildren. As the
Talmud teaches, "a man's love is towards his son, the son's love is
towards his own son." (Sota 49a) The major concern is the chain of
generations. |
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This ideal of marriage and procreation raises a deep
question: Why are human males asked to do what no other animal must
do, forsake sexual conquests to cleave onto one wife? To answer this
question, we must delve even deeper into the creation of both humans
and animals. |
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The Torah uses the Hebrew word yitzer - literally
"formed", for the creation of both humans and animals. "The Lord God
formed (yitzer) the man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into
his nostrils the breath of life, and man became a living soul."
(Genesis 2:7) "The Lord God formed (yitzer) out of the ground every
beast of the field, and every fowl of the air." (Genesis 2:19) There
is a slight difference in the spelling of the word - the Hebrew
letter yud is used only once for the creation of animals, twice for
the creation of humans. In this one tiny letter is the key to the
Torah's message about family. |
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The term yetzer from the same root as yitzer has a
double meaning in Hebrew. It means formed, but it also means inner
drive. Both animals and humans have a yetzer, an inner drive which
underlies and defines their behavior. The rabbis noted that the
slight difference in spelling is because animals have only one
yetzer or inner drive, humans beings have two yetzers or inner
drives. (Berachot 61a) |
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Animals survive through natural, instinctual
behavior. They follow patterns of behavior that have been hard wired
into their brains from birth. Certainly animals may be capable of
some learning, but animals do not make moral choices. When a coyote
attacks a farmer's sheep, he is simply doing what coyotes are
hard-wired to do. One would not say that such a coyote is doing
wrong. Whether it is a salmon swimming upstream to its spawning
ground, a dog in heat copulating with another dog, or a lion
attacking its prey, animals are following instinct. Even the ox that
continually gores in Exodus is simply following inbred behavior, the
ox's owner is liable for damages. One would not call the ox a
sinner. Or as I often say in my sermons, "Horses don't need Yom
Kippur." |
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Humans are fundamentally different. We are born with
a minimum number of instinctual behaviors, sucking, crying, and a
few others necessary to survive our youngest years. Mostly we are a
blank slate ready to be molded. (Avot 4:25) As the Bible hints, we
humans have two yetzers, two inner drives, that struggle with one
another and define us throughout our lives. The rabbis called these
the yetzer hara, the evil inclination, and the yetzer hatov, the
good inclination. The yetzer hara consists of those primitive drives
within us which seek immediate gratification. They are what Freud
defined as the id. The yetzer hara is the sexual drive, the drive
for violence, the drive for acquisition, the emotion of anger, all
out of control. The evil inclination is that part of us which says,
"I want what I want and I want it now!" |
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The rabbis recognized the importance of the yetzer
hara. They said without it no man would build a house or marry a
wife. According to a famous rabbinic legend, the rabbis once
captured the yetzer hara and hid it in a barrel. (Yoma 69a) For
three days nothing happened, no one went to work, even the chickens
stopped laying eggs. The rabbis had to let it go. The key is not to
destroy the yetzer hara, but control it and sublimate it for good.
Ben Zoma taught, "Who is strong? Whoever controls their evil
inclination." (Avot 4:1) |
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The yetzer hatov or good inclination is the drive to
be altruistic. It is the part of us willing to delay gratification,
practice self-control, share with others, sacrifice for a greater
good, and do the right thing. For humans, life is a constant
struggle between these two inclinations, between "I want what I want
and I want it now" and "do the right thing." We see this struggle
when we decide whether or not to indulge in a forbidden sexual
encounter, whether to spend or save money, whether to act out on our
anger, even whether or not to eat the ice cream when we are trying
to diet. |
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The rabbis have another profound insight about this
struggle between our two yetzers. The yetzer hara, or evil
inclination, is present at full force from the moment of birth.
Babies cry until their needs are met, and they do not care whom they
disturb. Children seek immediate gratification. Children can be
selfish and sometimes cruel. William Golding's novel The Lord of the
Flies is a classic example of children out of control, untempered by
adult authority. The yetzer hatov, or good inclination, is only
present in potential at birth. It needs to be carefully nurtured and
developed, and only enters at full force at the moment of adulthood.
(Ecclesiastes Rabbah 4:13) |
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From this deep human insight, we begin to understand
why the Torah asks a man to stay around, to commit to the woman he
chooses and the children he sires through her. His presence is
necessary for the key activity which a child needs, the activity
that defines the very word parent, developing the yetzer hatov. Here
is where humans differ substantially from the animal kingdom.
Someone must take primary responsibility for developing the good
inclination and showing control over the evil inclination. The Bible
places that obligation clearly upon fathers. |
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The Torah wants men around to assume an essential
role in raising their young, developing the sense of right and wrong
and the self-discipline to do the right thing. That is why,
according to Jewish law, it is the father's duty to teach his
children Torah (Kiddushin 29a), defining the word Torah in the
broadest sense teaching. |
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Why is this a particular obligation for fathers?
Certainly mothers also have a role in developing a conscience and
self control in children. There are many single mothers who are
forced by circumstances to bear the entire burden of teaching right
from wrong, developing the yetzer hatov. They do so because the men
who impregnated them has abandoned their parental responsibilities.
Or some chose to do it alone, following the example set in Hollywood
by the fictional television character Murphy Brown, or such real
life celebrities as pop singer Madonna and actress Jodie
Foster. |
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The Torah places the ultimate responsibility for
developing the yetzer hatov on the man for reasons related to the
essential nature of men and women. Scholars such as Deborah Tannen
and Carol Gilligan are beginning to recognize that, in certain
fundamental ways, men and women are different. Women by their very
nature are primarily concerned with relationships. They are
nurturers. Men by their very nature are primarily concerned with
accomplishments. They are far more competitive. These different
primary concerns manifest themselves in parenting roles. To
paraphrase a wonderful distinction made by columnist Don Feder,
"Mothers are concerned with survival, fathers are concerned with
success." |
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The Torah recognizes that fathering is different from
mothering. Children need two types of parenting if they are to grow
up to be successful, competent adults. They need the self- esteem
and confidence that a loving, nurturing mother can provide, one who
will always accept her child unconditionally. And they need the
survival skills, self-discipline, and moral values that a strong
father can provide, one who makes demands and sometimes enacts
punishment. Rabbi Daniel Lapin, founder of Towards Tradition, has a
brilliant insight from the Hebrew which makes this same point. There
is a Hebrew word for mother and for father, but no Hebrew for the
generic parent. One cannot even say single parent in Hebrew. One can
only say parents, horim, from the same root as to teach. This simple
Hebrew insight seems to indicate that it takes two to parent, each
with slightly different roles. |
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I do not want to oversimplify the role of mothers and
fathers in nurturing and teaching right from wrong. As a male, I am
involved in nurturing my children, and my wife is certainly involved
in teaching and disciplining them. True parenting is a partnership.
However, as with all good partnerships, there seem to be primary
roles. The primary role of a father is to lay down the rules and
teach the self-discipline necessary for a successful life. It is
important to note that one does not need to be a biological father
to perform the key role of fatherhood. Adoptive fathers can do the
job as well as birth fathers. Often step-fathers, grandfathers, and
other key males in the life of the child assume this mentoring role.
Other men from the community - teachers, coaches, religious youth
leaders, scoutmasters - can become the mentors for children without
a fathers. The Torah wants a male presence in the life of a child.
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Social critic Barbara Dafoe Whitehead has brilliantly
demonstrated in her article Dan Quayle was Right that when a father
is absent or uninvolved, too many children grow up undisciplined and
out of control. Their yetzer hara has never been brought under
control. As many social scientists have pointed out, children
growing up without fathers are the basis of many of our worst social
problems, from gangs to crime to teenage pregnancy. All of this
proves that the family is a uniquely human institution. Animals
manage without families; their genetic survival seems to work out
fine. Humans need more than genetic survival, we need to learn to
control our yetzer hara and develop our yetzer hatov. Fathers are
essential for this to succeed. When fathers step back from this
primary task, we humans seem to be acting more animal like. |
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Parents raise their children with the prayer that
ultimately they will leave home, seek their own spouse, and have
their own children. They will add a new link to the chain In fact,
it is important to note the language of the Bible, "a man shall
leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife." He must leave
before he can cleave. However, even as they leave home and enter
adulthood, humans must do something no other animal is obligated to
do. They must honor the father and mother who raised them. (Note
that the honor is to the parents who raised them, not necessarily
the ones who gave birth to them. Again we are speaking of a value
beyond biology.) |
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In Jewish tradition, this honor takes on two separate
obligations. (Kiddushin 31b.) First, a man or woman must be sure
that parents are properly fed and cared for, particularly in old
age. Humans have a value, even after they have completed the tasks
of siring and raising children. Second, a man and woman must do
respect the dignity and standing of a parent, and do nothing to
detract from that role. This commandment applies even if one's
parents did a poor job. The contemporary notion that parents must
earn their children's respect has no place in Biblical
tradition. |
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An important aspect of honoring parents is the
child's relationship with his or her siblings. The book of Proverbs
teaches: "A friend is devoted at all times, but a brother is born
for adversity." (Proverbs 17:17) With the help of the Ralbag, one of
the classical Biblical commentators, we can understand what the
passage really means. A friend is there for good times. He or she
may go out socially with us, party with us; we may enjoy each
other's company. But when difficult times hit, a person turns to his
or her brother or sister. Because they are flesh and bone, they have
a mutual obligation to one another. |
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When Cain asked the rhetorical question "Am I my
brother's keeper?" the answer was yes. By caring for our siblings,
we ultimately are honoring our parents. This idea can be expanded
beyond our immediate family - by caring for all humanity, we
ultimately honor the father of us all. "Have we not one father, did
not one God create us all?" (Malachi 2:10) |
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Human beings live in a web of relationships.
According to the Biblical ideal, a man and a woman must commit to
one another in the holy covenant we call marriage. Together they
must care for, provide for, and serve the needs of their spouse,
ensuring that the marriage will succeed. They must nurture and
mentor children, teaching them the values and self-discipline to
succeed as adults. When the children grow up and leave home, they
must honor parents and be the keeper of siblings. They must see
themselves not as autonomous individuals but as links in the chain
of generations. It is in this web of fundamental human relationships
that we humans rise above the animal kingdom and ultimately find
spiritual meaning. Love begins with service to those in our own
family. And in love do we ultimately see the face of
God. | |
